In My Expert Opinion

Have you ever noticed that during the Olympics, everyone you know is suddenly an expert about things like, "form breaks," "butterfly half-stroke," "double-pump volleyball hit," "illegal inside lane touches," and "water polo power plays?" People are suddenly passionate about the U.S. swim team, never mind that they have not so much as attended a child's meet at the community pool in the last 4 years. You hear grown men comparing the nuances of Liukin's artistic style with Johnson's athletic presence. I love it.

And so, in honor of the couch potato expert, here are some of my powerful insights about the past two weeks of world competition:

Swimming: Michael Phelps is the most amazing athlete ever...and he's a mama's boy. How sweet! He comes across as a grounded and humble individual (albeit a little inarticulate). I hope he can survive his fame and status without doing something publicly humiliating. Of course, he'll only be famous for a few more weeks, and then we'll forget there is such a sport as swimming for another 4 years.

Gymnastics: (I have a little experience in this area...so pay attention...I know what I'm talking about.) This new judging system is designed to confuse everyone...especially the people actually implementing it by posting the scores. National bias aside, there have been some major U.S. rip-offs this year, and Bela Karolyi is the only one crazy enough to say it on broadcast television.

Beach Volleyball: Clearly a man is responsible for the design of both the mens' and the women's uniforms.

Track and Field: Isn't it interesting that when they interview swimmers after their races, they come across as educated and humble? Flash forward one week to the sprinters' interviews and all you want to do is wipe the smirk off of their arrogant faces. "Ugly American, party of 1!"

Diving: Is it just me, or is synchronized diving just a little bit creepy?

Marathon: Speaking as someone who actually enjoys running and distance training, I really hope that the guy who decided it would be great to broadcast the entire 2 1/2 hours of the womens' marathon is now unemployed.

And speaking of broadcasting...don't you think it would be possible to end the night a little earlier...Mommy is a little cranky when she's perpetually sleep-deprived. Also, note for the next Olympiad: maybe instead of showing every swimming, diving, and track preliminary, quarter-final, and semi-final you could show us one of the other 200 sports that are happening at the games. Also, do we really need to watch the gymnasts on their apparatus warm-ups? I for one, feel ripped off that I missed yet another heart-stopping table tennis final. And don't get me started on all the pistol championships that have yet again been overlooked.

I better go now...I'm expecting a call from Bob Costas any minute. He said he could use my input.