Ennui

Have you ever had those days where you feel like you are never at rest...you run, run, run through life...and then when you look back at bed-time there is literally nothing to show for it. That is how my entire January is feeling. I'm halfway through the first month of 2009, just weeks after all of my well-meant, fresh-start, wide-eyed new beginnings. And despite the daily stretching in all my roles in an elasti-girl-like glory, I feel like I have accomplished a big nothing so far.


So I have tried in the last 24 hours to identify where the problem lies. Part of this feeling is the inevitable result of being a mom. A good portion of my life is spent doing things that don't stay done. And growing children is a slow and usually imperceptible process. Part of the issue is that this month is unusually full. I have had many extra service opportunities that have added up to hours well-spent but still spent. But I think the real root of this feeling of frustration lies in the hours wasted simply because I have not used them well. I can justify that I'm exhausted and need the break, but rationalization for me is usually just a sign that I know better.


So after I pondered about the source of my "problem" I spent some time trying to figure out a solution. Here's what I decided. 1-I need a project. Something that motivates me more than housework. 2-I need to make time to exercise. That's the thing that I enjoy that has been most neglected by filling up my schedule with other things. I can use the energy. 3-I need to eliminate my time-wasters. I don't ever resent the time I spend reading or writing, but I could definitely give up some of the time spent in front of the TV or computer screen. 4-Just say no! If I'm overscheduled I have no one to blame but myself. 5-(and this is an important one) Make a trip to Disneyland. That's right, it's time to get away from the cold and snow and haze of inversion. Mickey Mouse always restores my spark.